As 2015 opens, I’m getting the impression that this is gonna be more of a year of rage than the last one. Here’s a quick stream of conciousness post that may be pretty incomprehensible, you probably just want to skip be low it, here, I’ll turn it bold so it’s easier to dismiss.

I’m listening to Of monsters and men, AWOLnation, and The tallest man of earth

the time is now 11:01 pm

and I sit here in this tiny cell of a house which is comfortable to me if it has become a prison for my friends. it’s like seeing two terrifyingly beautiful birds in a cage of purpose and necessity. they are happy, and annoyed, frustrated, and sarcastic, and have had to believe in things that not many of us do, though we believe in things that are stupid and pointless and dumb and don’t make sense to them, and that is not a criticism, though I feel it, but I don’t ever want to criticize them, I don’t want to criticize their actions while I observe their reaction but I also want to be criticized more because they can do that between themselves and it’s a tiny thought that enters my head a tiny mote of paranoia that I feel with everyone that meet and have had learned to surf like a wave or like the internet

i know that they are kind and loving with the games they make for each other the play and the reaffirmations of the irony of most of their life in the terms of endearment that their words for behavior that they have for each other and are willing to explain carefully to me an inside joke that I know always will belong to them as sacred as sacred can be in the world because nothing can affect the way that they do things and if it does it is a reflection of what we can truly do to one another even with the best of intentions

the time is now 11:11

wow, that was weird, I guess I desire attention through criticism, so what? I can get defensive? It’s like this whole thing about muslims needing to claim responsibility and apologize for the actions of a few insane people. Let’s kill people who want to kill us, let’s kill people who think differently than we do.

Hey, here’s a dark thought, I believe humanity needs a good die-off because it appears that we have surpassed the means of this planet to sustain us and much of the life that exists.  I don’t like this idea but it’s one that seems to be proving itself more and more, double-but that doesn’t make it all right nor all right.

Of course it should be up to us on what that will look like, and currently it seems like we are best at fighting each other to those ends.  There is also the environmental collapse that we are living through right now that can get us if we don’t war ourselves to death. I am so angry at everyone right now that I am realizing that I’ve always hated the world as it is. I do not like to hate, but it is the defining characteristic of love for without it, we would be more connected to each other and peaceful and also ominously detached. 

I remember observing my father, who has not been confrontational on any issues that I’ve seen except through sacrifice, or outbursts of anger. The most unique to me is one where he quietly, under his breath, rages at the world. I wonder if he does that anymore. If he does, I would encourage that he do it over his breath at least as a beginning or if he doesn’t then he’s lived enough to be detached if he wants to be. Sometimes I wonder, with all the attachments we are born with, if life is ultimately a quest to give up those things because we ultimately with have to.  with that typed, I still have the urge to make more friends, be better at the things I do, and perhaps the world would be a better place.

Okay, so I began these travels with the need to break the patterns plaguing my life. Then it coalesced into the desire to find, have, or figure out the idea that will be for the survival of humanity.  I don’t claim to have a hard line opinion of what ideas are right, or what humanity is, or if survival is an accurate term or the highest ideal but there are a few things that I’ve learned in my travels that I always knew but never had the courage to express with as deep passion as I am typing them now.

1. Without this planet, we can survive, but we must come to grips that our home is not forever, and that humanity will eventially be homeless, if we survive.

2. The opposite of destruction, can only be placed on a spectrum between that of creation and preservation.

3. Peace is the only power than cannot be used unjustly.

4. Peace, at its worst is ineffective, or changes everything. At its best, prevents the violation of another life.

5. Global warming is real, the climate is changing, temperatures around the world once again are on an upward trend. ( This may be an observation and not an idea, but the caveat is that it should be taken into account for everything that we do. )

6. There is no such thing as renewable usable energy. Nothing tangible is limitless. 

7. Meaning is everything, it’s understanding the difference between the existence of an event and the spin. (or interpretation )

Hmm, seven is a good number right?

I might have been going for ten, or overshot five but it’s cool that I’ve landed on seven.

So this is where I’m at at the beginning of the new year.  A little older, a little wiser, a little more incomprehensible, and full of myself. Hopefully this year I’ll be able to do better at my resolutions 4 of 7 years running.

i’ll put these in bold so you can easily skip passed them if you want to.

1.  find, have or figure out the idea that will be for the survival of humanity

2. speak well in front of a large group of people

3. quit smoking

4. lose weight (be healthier)

5. write a letter to my mom

6. write a letter to my dad

(this next one is actually a new one)

7. write more letters that mean something in general

8. write (express and create and preserve) more

The weather while I’ve been writing this has gone from cloudy and cool to darker and chilly to “partly sunny” to cloudy and warm.  Sarah is working on a project as is Garth, with the patience of a thousand breezes. The neighbors walk and drive by on the dirt and gravel road. They get into their trucks and cars. The sounds of the highway and construction bleed through the music of my fancy new noise cancelation headphones but I am still thankful for being aware.

Because I can also hear the babbling choir of desert sparrows. Watch the cobblestone clouds sweep over the mountains. The rounded cacti scattered like pebbles in the sand between the many brooms of abrasive shrubs and trees. This hard, more tan, and less red earth; where puddles are preserved and allowed to evaporate away rather than soaking in.  Where it is obvious that the sun has the most power of all here, it can change everything in moments.

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