for the last few weeks I’ve been in a bit of limbo. It feels like this entire year has been limbo. a journey alone is filled with many introspective pitfalls. gaining confidence is like climbing a sand dune. You can’t stand still because you’ll just slide down, there doesn’t seem to be any level ground so you always have to work hard to sometimes just to maintain your balance..  and then when you do meet people, they can easily knock you down the slope. the only thing that feels like justice, is that they may also fall down. But really, it is an unsatisfying form of justice.

I am longing to travel to the desert and meet up with my friends. But I have made new friends that have many a varied talent that I am struggling to pull away. But since I’ve started to sit off on my own, from these new friends, since I’ve started to watch long youtube videos about videogames, I wonder if there is a set level of human interaction that I’ve reached.

today, just by staring at my new friend, I was able to piss him off to the point with which he wanted to throw me out.  It didn’t take long, just a couple of seconds. In the hesitation I have when I focus on something unintentionally, then have to switch to try communicating my thoughts at the time, he flipped out and shouted, “Get the fuck out. I don’t want someone making me uncomfortable in my [mom’s] house.”  It wasn’t a challenge that I was issuing though, just observation and questions to myself.  can insecurity pass through the air because of a watchful eye? Is surveillance just a need for control because the more information we have the better the ability we have to make a choice? Observation affects the choices we make, so when does it become overbearing? Would you rather have your friends stare when you know? would you rather have a stranger stare and judge with no context? Or someone that is still optimistic about you?

He was so furious, and I was still groggy and confused. why would he think that I had some kind of problem? was there some kind of guilt that surfaced under my gaze? He went and described loudly the situation to his partner. a beautiful wonderful and balancing woman who speaks maybe three languages, and has a nifty accent. she calmed him and he admitted his overreaction.

I think my preference is friends that will openly talk.  where we can have conflict openly without the fear of barbs that hurt. confidently converse knowing that what is said is honest without being ambiguous and furthers the conversation to a conclusion that is higher on the sandy hill.

I sometimes think of the world that’s full of sand. The heat during the day is so much that the sand starts to melt. this molten glass running through the hottest parts of the desert in scorching rivers that flow fierce in temperature, but slow an viscous pooling into lakes that harden when the cold night comes. I can see my reflection by the moonlight in a glass lake. I see the world full of sand and mirrors.

It’s like staring at your reflection in between two mirrors. and  the reflection of the reflections show a pair of people staring at each other.  the line of these pairs stratching off and away into a line of selves analyzing themselves.  I am a reflection of others as much as they reflect me. I want to try my best to help pull up those that can be pulled up, and it’s easier to walk up glass than it is sand.  and it’s all the better if there are others, in case someone slips.

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